The ultimate DUI?!
Earlier today, I received a package via Fedx. Inside there were some photographs and a tape recorder. When I pushed play, there was a long, and somewhat disorganized, speech about the secrets NASA has been hiding, and their plans for the future. I would provide a transcript, but the machine self destructed, making me use up one of my fire extinguishers, and not doing my desk any good. I did manage to save the pictures, and make a note about the news item it reference. So, the following report is the best I can do from memory.
This, Panel Finds Astronauts Flew While Intoxicated, is the part of the news that was leaked to the media. It is not, however, the full story. Before this incident, it was a closely guarded secret that, due to the disorienting effects of space flight, all astronauts are required to maintain a modest level of alchoal intoxication at all times during the flight. This numbs the nervious system just enough to allow the brain to cope with the unusual sensory input experienced during high accelleation and the following low gravity conditions.
NASA, having enough funding to plan for even the most unusual events, has a public relations campaign ready to provide the appropiate spin. They even have classified deals in place to turn the bad press likely to result from the revilation of drunken shuttle piolots. While I suspect they learned this from NASCAR, the tape didn’t say so, but this is the result:
Also, knowing that they would need to sex up their image, NASA has had a secret program to develope a spacesuit that someone who people want to look at might be tempted to wear:
With this in their inventory, they managed to acquire the services of the pop Princesses who embody the concept of drinking and driving, Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan:
All of which makes me very glad that my childhood dream of being an astronaut did not come to pass.