Conversations with Brit & Grit

Hi Brit,

As I’ve warned you, Paris Hilton is due to be released from her incarceration in the next day or two.  Her hard time has forced her to take a hard look at herself, and she apparently doesn’t like what she sees,

Hilton insists she’s a changed woman after serving time behind bars.

“I would like to make a difference,” she told Barbara Walters. “God has given me this new chance.”

Rumors are that she intends to start some sort of inmate rehab program, but those rumors are wrong, according to my usually unreliable source.  Rather, in her break out interview with Larry King, she is going to use her free hour of air time to unveil a six step plan by which she will devote her life to helping to save the planet.

1.  In an effort to stop Global Warming and the melting of the Arctic ice, she, and as many of her friends as will follow her lead, are going to stop using ice in their drinks.  The frozen cubes that would have chilled their beverages will be collected, flown by jet to the North Pole, and dumped. 

2.  To fight Climate Change, and to help make the US energy independent, Paris is going to start a charity stop gas guzzling SUVs from burning so much fuel.  Her Prius for the Poor Foundation, will, knowing that people just aren’t going to give up the comfortable roominess of their SUVs, is going to donate a Prius and a chauffeur to every huge vehicle owner.  The fuel efficient hybrid will be welded to the front bumper of the larger car and used as a tractor to tow the trailing behemoth.

3.  The Hilton Honey also has a plan to stop war in the world.  She is going to recruit a battalion of her party girl friends, and train them in special forces techniques.  They will be on call 24/7 and, at the first signs of armed conflict anywhere on the globe, they will be parachuted into the trouble area, where they will party with the combatants until they are too drunk, stoned, and tired to even remember what the cause of the dispute was, let alone have any desire to pursue it.

4.  To stop world hunger, she is going to allow a hand picked team of scientists to study her in detail, with the aim of discovering how she was able to spend 3 weeks in jail without eating or using the toilet.  Once the secret is found, she will fund teams of trainers who will travel the world teaching people how to avoid the need to eat.  This will also go a long way to solving the waste treatment problems many places have.  Not to mention, it will make Sheryl Crow extremely happy.

5.  Knowing first hand that too many people have drug and alcohol abuse problems, but refuse to get help because taking several weeks off to go to a treatment center is a bitch, she is going to buy a fleet of motor homes, and turn them into mobile rehab clinics.  That way, people can get the cure while going about their normal lives, pretty much.

6.  Feeling very sorry for the homeless, she is going to start another foundation which will raise money to buy one-way tickets to tropical countries for these poor unfortunates.  There, they won’t really need homes and they can live by picking fruit off the trees.

the Grit